Denying Denial

I was on a suicidal track and didn't know it. I was excessively overweight and did not admit it. First, I denied that I was fat. I discriminated against those who were obese. I thought that they did not have the will to lose weight. Second, when I admitted that I was maybe a little fat, I denied that I was unfit. I could still pound out some exercise; I could still do physical activity like riding my motorbike to Alaska. Third, when I admitted that I was fat and maybe unfit, I denied reality checks. I did not count calories; I did not weigh myself; I did not know what exercise did for me; I did not understand muscle loss. Fourth, I recognized that I was denying many things, but I did not answer why I was denying. Finally, I confronted why I was denying denial. As I dealt with increasingly challenging questions of denial, I changed in subtle, complex, profound, and vivid ways. I learned the language of nutrition. I needed the vocabulary to talk about food. I learned that food consumption was only one of the components of health. Dealing with obesity demands a systemic approach, otherwise it will fail. I vigilantly attend to food consumption, hydration, breathing, sleeping, and sensory stimulation as energy-in factors. In like manner, I attend to mental and physical energy-out factors. I read, write, and research. I seek new learning. I do both aerobic and resistance training. I do tai chi daily. I pay attention to my relationships, demeanor, and hygiene. I take on projects that are new to me. All factors are mutually dependent and necessary for metabolic health. When I accepted a holistic approach to health, I felt free, empowered, and optimistic. I was off the suicide track; I no longer felt helpless; I stop rationalizing; I did not feel fatalistic. In my journey, I learned how to talk about not simply weight, but what holistic health meant. I learned about food, food groups, and nutritional value. I learned how to read the literature and recognize good evidence. I've named my demons: Denial (It's not a problem), Beelzebub (Try just a little bit more-gluttony), Anon (Eat, celebrate; eat, compensate-emotional consumption), Aziz (Hate your body; hate yourself), Mammon (Eat quickly, mindlessly), Acedia (Relax, don't bother-sloth), Pride (You're better than them), and Amnesia (Just forget). I met and accepted my Shadow, my repressed self who harbored my traumatic experiences. I created good habits. I created a reality checklist. Consequently, I found my healthy, aspirational self.